Ahh, as Christmas approached swiftly, you begin to hear the familiar sounds of the Winter season: The complaining, brought to you by Jersey, the constant whining of your family members shouting: "I want this! No, no! I want that!" And the worst of all- The jolly tunes of Music. Christmas Music.
I understand, many you are likely reading this, expecting me to continue with this Post in complaining- "Christmas Music is boring! Why are there so many cover songs this day in age!?" "Christmas Music sucks!" Ahh, am I right? Luckily for you, I am covering a diverse topic of the wretch sound, one that I am sure that you have never heard of previously- "Is Christmas Music truly 'Jolly?'"
What am I speaking of, you ask? Ahh, allow me to explain!: Recently, I have been, Ehh, "examining" a select few of the most popular Christmas songs accompanied by their lyrics, and have come to a conclusion: Christmas Music is not happy! It's scary!
Why do I figure this? I could name thousands of reasons supporting my thesis!: For starters, many of these songs toy with the thought of death? Ever notice this before? Yes, you could argue that I listen to music with similar concepts year round- Though this is Christmas, for crying out loud! How about the multiple Creepers in the "brilliant" stories? In fact, I often stumble upon the thought of Creature Feature- Yes, the creepy Halloween-inspired band- having the ability of writing a better Christmas song than they could a Halloween! No, not even this- They could take any one of their given songs, and I bet it'd still have even the slightest bit of a similar concept as any selection of Christmas tunes- Creepiness! D8
Okay, even after listing these logical points, I'm sure you think that I am out of my bloody mind, correct? Aha, think again! Over the weeks, I have collected a list of "delightful" songs which are classically sung in the Christmas Season, and put much time into finding a solution to my questions: "Why is Christmas Music Scary?"
"Frosty The Snowman!": Ahh, we must all know this song, yes? The "cheery" tune telling the tale of a friendly Snowman who comes to life one day, and plays in the cold snow among a group of children? Ahh, isn't that such a happy story, right? No! Wrong! Why is this, you ask? To begin- Is it natural for a giant Snowman to randomly grow a vocal box and start chatting with surrounding people? No! And, is it very kind to randomly follow this poor group of children around? No! That's called "Stalking," kids- And "Stalking," is what I like to call "Illegal." No wonder he dashed out of that town so quickly- it was the midst of Winter, he wasn't worried that he was going to melt! He was trying to escape the law- What are we teaching kids, these days!?
"Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!": No matter when, where, or exactly what time of the year it may be, Blizzards are a rather terrifying experience, in which there is nothing besides snow falling from the dark sky, obstructing your vision, and falling at depths further than one mere foot, which is a pain once the storm has passed. Now, why do I find this song scary? The author behind these lyrics is not merely singing- He is glorifying the thought of having snowstorm! Now, how is that logical?- It's adding insult to a traumatic experience! What the flip? Ahh, "Let Is Snow" to you too, mister!
"Santa Claus Is Coming To Town!": What are my personal viewpoints on Santa Claus? Ahh, he is likely the most terrifying portion of the horrific jumble of Christmas Music, and even the most horrifying himself. Look!: "He sees you when you're sleeping?" What? How? "He knows when you're awake?" Okay, I'm a tad curious- How does one obtain such personal information? Are you puzzled? Hah, that's quite alright- 'Cause I shall tell you how! Santa Claus, just as the evil Snowman we have been taught of previously, is a Stalker. Once again children, shall I remind you: "Stalking" is not socially acceptable in a modern society! Why are we letting toddlers listen to such nightmarish "Music?"
"Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer!": Okay, are you blind, people? When exactly was the last time that you saw a Reindeer prancing with glee, with a bright red, glowing excuse for a nose? When was the last time you saw a Reindeer, for that matter? Are you sick, or just oblivious? He's sick! Take him to a flipping Vet! Oh, and you try to argue that he's "not sick," then fine! He's an alien! Either way- It's not natural!
"Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer!": Okay, this song is purely absurd, as far as I am concerned! It's called logic! The song sounds so very cheery, with the slight touch of humor, right? Wrong! Consider it!: When was the last time you got run over by a Reindeer, as they carried a Sleigh weighing nearly a ton alone, along with the fact that it is bearing a giant mysterious Stalker in a bright red suit, and a sack carrying presents for every single kid in the entire world? I'm sure you can't answer this question with a truthful "Yes," for it defies the laws of physics!- If a person were to get trampled by a hoofed Reindeer, carrying so much extra weight- You would not live to tell the tale! Spoiler Alert: The same goes for Grandma! O:
"The Grinch": I shall end my list of examples with on this note: This song is literally explaining the tale of a tall, hairy Green-Man who comes down you're chimney in the midst of the night to steal all of your Christmas presents and decorations, all while he is abusing his poor old dog who is randomly dressed as a Reindeer creature? What the heck? Why does Christmas have so many Stalkers? They're all Christmas-Stalkers, I tell you!
I could even go on with this list- For miles! Unfortunately, we must continue with the Ranting process, which means:
Now, do you understand where I am going with this? Yes? No? Do I still continue to sound as if I am out of my mind? Or, have I just put far too much time than necessary into this? Either way, I'm sure that I've ruined Christmas, or Christmas Music at the least for most of you, which I suppose an apology is in order for. ^^U I've merely had this thought got quite some time- Too much time!- And figured it was the correct time and place to write out my opinions on the thought on paper, and into words. Expect more Rants in the future! Of course, until then: Go forth! Be Merry! And I beg of you- Beware of the Scary Music!
-Jersey. :)
